Since you dumped me in a text message a month ago, I shouldn't be surprised that the first time I hear form you is also via text.
"you hate me :("
The following is a list of ways I could have responded:
1. Not as much as I hate that emoticon.
2. Who is this?
3. I know you're drunk right now. If you'd like to have an actual conversation when you're sober, let me know. But I won't hold my breath because you're a coward and the chances of us ever talking about what happened are about as likely as me **having Jesse Williams' babies.
4. Hate is a strong word. I just really dislike you. (omg, so cliche)
5. Yes.
6. And?
7. I liked when you didn't talk to me. Keep doing that.
8. You're incredibly observant.
9. No, I don't. But thank you for making me a stronger person. (This one comes courtesy of my mother, who didn't realize how Christina Aguilera-y she was being.)
10. I'm busy hanging out with my dad at the concert we were supposed to attend together.
11. Also, this setlist is amazing.
Now, a list of ways I did respond:
1.
**Please God, let me have Jesse Williams' babies.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
A list of things I'm gonna need you to do now that we're no longer together...
1. Don't talk to me in public.
2. Definitely do not touch me in public.
3. Stop showing up on my Spotify feed.
4. The same goes for Twitter and Facebook.
5. Just stop using social medial altogether. That's my thing and defriending/unfollowing you isn't an option because it's immature and proves you win.
6. If you insist on using these mediums, at least come off as the total toolbag you are. I need more reasons to hate you besides the fact that you dumped me in a text message.
7. Move more than three hours away. Your ability to drive home at the drop of a hat has me living in a constant state of anxiety.
8. Tell people you dumped me so our mutual friends don't ask how you are. Making me tell them YOU got sick of me is super unfair.
9. Call me and tell me exactly why you dumped me so I stop thinking it's because you got sick of me. I'd just like a legit explanation. If you don't have one, then you're a bigger asshole than I thought.
10. If nothing else, call just to apologize.
11. Stop being physically attractive.
12. In a nutshell: drop off the face of the planet. I'm not asking you to die or anything, but if all reminders of you could just cease to exist, it would make my life a million times easier. I fell for you way too hard and the way you broke things off seemed entirely too easy. I'd actually prefer if you didn't call because I can't decide if I'd be mean (like I should be) or if I'd melt like I always did whenever I heard your voice. The complete 180 you did in the week leading up to our relationship's demise has me questioning every sweet thing you ever said or did. Did I mention they were the sweetest things anyone ever said to or did for me? Hence why getting over this four-month fling is proving incredibly difficult. You suck.
2. Definitely do not touch me in public.
3. Stop showing up on my Spotify feed.
4. The same goes for Twitter and Facebook.
5. Just stop using social medial altogether. That's my thing and defriending/unfollowing you isn't an option because it's immature and proves you win.
6. If you insist on using these mediums, at least come off as the total toolbag you are. I need more reasons to hate you besides the fact that you dumped me in a text message.
7. Move more than three hours away. Your ability to drive home at the drop of a hat has me living in a constant state of anxiety.
8. Tell people you dumped me so our mutual friends don't ask how you are. Making me tell them YOU got sick of me is super unfair.
9. Call me and tell me exactly why you dumped me so I stop thinking it's because you got sick of me. I'd just like a legit explanation. If you don't have one, then you're a bigger asshole than I thought.
10. If nothing else, call just to apologize.
11. Stop being physically attractive.
12. In a nutshell: drop off the face of the planet. I'm not asking you to die or anything, but if all reminders of you could just cease to exist, it would make my life a million times easier. I fell for you way too hard and the way you broke things off seemed entirely too easy. I'd actually prefer if you didn't call because I can't decide if I'd be mean (like I should be) or if I'd melt like I always did whenever I heard your voice. The complete 180 you did in the week leading up to our relationship's demise has me questioning every sweet thing you ever said or did. Did I mention they were the sweetest things anyone ever said to or did for me? Hence why getting over this four-month fling is proving incredibly difficult. You suck.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
A list of things I couldn't live without, does not include pets and people.
-Harry Potter
-chocolate
-peanut butter
-tea
-television
-beans (don't you dare judge me)
-the internet
-books
-physical activity (I'd say running but someday I'll be old and won't run so let's just stick to this)
-onions (preferably paired with beans)
-a tooth brush
EAF
Monday, September 24, 2012
possible reasons why the guy i'm hooking up with stopped all communication one day out of the blue.
1. found out he has an STD and is scared to tell me
2. stranded on the highway
3. cell phone won't let him make texts/calls
4. left cell phone at friend's house or in someone's car
5. hooked up with an ex
6. my girl crazy scared him off
7. had a nervous breakdown
8. parents told him he could only date/marry a jew
9. parents told him to stop dating to focus on school
10. realized independent of parents that his dating took away from focus on school
11. plane crashed and new didn't relay it
12. lost cell phone (similar to #4 but encompasses all options of "lost")
13. over it in general (essentially a combination of #7-10 and #6)
14. in home-mode
15. visiting his cousin (which he told me he was going to do this weekend) and in cousin-mode
16. visiting cousin (per #15) and left phone at home
17. Abducted
18. His ex girlfriend saw texts from me in his phone and has taken him captive by slipping him a roofie.
19. He realized he's gay
20. His phone crashed and erased all of his contact information (similar to #4 and #12, however phone still working)
21. New Years resolution to stop texting
22. likes me so much he's freaking out
23. cousins think texting is rude
24. trying to lower his phone bill
25. broken fingers
26. low battery- for emergency use only
27. in jain
28. in hospital
29. family crisis
30. rehab for adderol addiction
31. on a bender
32. phone has been on silent for 3 days and he hasn't looked at it
33. siri prohibits text/phone calls because she knows he is obsessed with me
34. dropped out of law school
35. he ran out of minutes and is too jewish to buy more
36. He has been suffering from erectile dysfunction and is worried u will find him useless.
37. My ex-bf paid him to do this.
38. Unfortunate case of mono.
39. Unfortunate case of appendicitis.
40. He remembered the connection he had with my 20-year old sister after meeting oce and is texting her instead
41. He impregnated a local whilst on vacation in Barbados and has abandoned the first world to care for his indigenous son.
42. I accidentally forwarded him this e-mail/list by mistake
reb
2. stranded on the highway
3. cell phone won't let him make texts/calls
4. left cell phone at friend's house or in someone's car
5. hooked up with an ex
6. my girl crazy scared him off
7. had a nervous breakdown
8. parents told him he could only date/marry a jew
9. parents told him to stop dating to focus on school
10. realized independent of parents that his dating took away from focus on school
11. plane crashed and new didn't relay it
12. lost cell phone (similar to #4 but encompasses all options of "lost")
13. over it in general (essentially a combination of #7-10 and #6)
14. in home-mode
15. visiting his cousin (which he told me he was going to do this weekend) and in cousin-mode
16. visiting cousin (per #15) and left phone at home
17. Abducted
18. His ex girlfriend saw texts from me in his phone and has taken him captive by slipping him a roofie.
19. He realized he's gay
20. His phone crashed and erased all of his contact information (similar to #4 and #12, however phone still working)
21. New Years resolution to stop texting
22. likes me so much he's freaking out
23. cousins think texting is rude
24. trying to lower his phone bill
25. broken fingers
26. low battery- for emergency use only
27. in jain
28. in hospital
29. family crisis
30. rehab for adderol addiction
31. on a bender
32. phone has been on silent for 3 days and he hasn't looked at it
33. siri prohibits text/phone calls because she knows he is obsessed with me
34. dropped out of law school
35. he ran out of minutes and is too jewish to buy more
36. He has been suffering from erectile dysfunction and is worried u will find him useless.
37. My ex-bf paid him to do this.
38. Unfortunate case of mono.
39. Unfortunate case of appendicitis.
40. He remembered the connection he had with my 20-year old sister after meeting oce and is texting her instead
41. He impregnated a local whilst on vacation in Barbados and has abandoned the first world to care for his indigenous son.
42. I accidentally forwarded him this e-mail/list by mistake
reb
Saturday, September 22, 2012
A list of things that I would rather...
1. I would rather he be able to fix my car than my computer.
2. I would rather he be able to build furniture from scratch than make a meal from scratch.
3. I would rather he be able to sing than play an instrument.
4. I would rather he have a heart warming laugh than be able to speak different languages.
5. I would rather he be able to draw than do math.
6. I would rather he be unemployed than be a lawyer.
7. I would rather he take me into the forest than to the beach.
8. I would rather he believe in people than god.
9. I would rather he sleep on the right than the left.
10. I would rather he be a summer baby than a winter baby.
Bonus: 11. I would rather he beat me at games every time than never.
LaYou
2. I would rather he be able to build furniture from scratch than make a meal from scratch.
3. I would rather he be able to sing than play an instrument.
4. I would rather he have a heart warming laugh than be able to speak different languages.
5. I would rather he be able to draw than do math.
6. I would rather he be unemployed than be a lawyer.
7. I would rather he take me into the forest than to the beach.
8. I would rather he believe in people than god.
9. I would rather he sleep on the right than the left.
10. I would rather he be a summer baby than a winter baby.
Bonus: 11. I would rather he beat me at games every time than never.
LaYou
Sunday, September 16, 2012
A list of the boys I dated in one year of singledom
1. The total package that I stopped talking to after one date because he was literally the worst kisser this side of the Mississippi and all physical attraction stopped dead in its tracks.
2. The so-nice-he's-creepy guy who is also my landlord and has tried to rekindle whenever a new season rolls around. Fingers crossed he doesn't get any ideas this Fall.
3. The co-worker who I refused to spend anymore time with, not because he was my co-work but because he was a total tool.
4. The good friend who I accidentally made out with but it was a great makeout so I thought we would maybe date. Then I realized he had no interest in committing to anyone anytime soon. Then he had a new girlfriend like, a week later.
5. The one night stand. First and last. But he was so pretty.
6. The out-of-state boy who initiated communications so often we may as well have been dating. But wait, he had a girlfriend. But wait, they broke up about a month into our "communication". But wait, a month into both of us being single he decided he didn't want to commit to anything. BUT WAIT, he *started dating a teenager less than a month after that.
7. The out-of-state boy who direct messaged me on Twitter to get the ball rolling, continued texting/calling/Facetiming for four months until he came to town and didn't want to spend time together, so I promptly ignored him altogether. Three months later he's deciding to be best friends again. No.
8. The co-worker who seemed like the total package until I realized he will never love anyone as much as he loves himself. Rejection didn't go over well with that one.
9. The one that I can't get enough of who treats me better than I've ever been treated. Fingers crossed I don't fuck this one up.
*They're still together.
2. The so-nice-he's-creepy guy who is also my landlord and has tried to rekindle whenever a new season rolls around. Fingers crossed he doesn't get any ideas this Fall.
3. The co-worker who I refused to spend anymore time with, not because he was my co-work but because he was a total tool.
4. The good friend who I accidentally made out with but it was a great makeout so I thought we would maybe date. Then I realized he had no interest in committing to anyone anytime soon. Then he had a new girlfriend like, a week later.
5. The one night stand. First and last. But he was so pretty.
6. The out-of-state boy who initiated communications so often we may as well have been dating. But wait, he had a girlfriend. But wait, they broke up about a month into our "communication". But wait, a month into both of us being single he decided he didn't want to commit to anything. BUT WAIT, he *started dating a teenager less than a month after that.
7. The out-of-state boy who direct messaged me on Twitter to get the ball rolling, continued texting/calling/Facetiming for four months until he came to town and didn't want to spend time together, so I promptly ignored him altogether. Three months later he's deciding to be best friends again. No.
8. The co-worker who seemed like the total package until I realized he will never love anyone as much as he loves himself. Rejection didn't go over well with that one.
9. The one that I can't get enough of who treats me better than I've ever been treated. Fingers crossed I don't fuck this one up.
*They're still together.
Friday, September 7, 2012
A List of Things I Would Like to Do Re: My Ex.
1. Castrate him.
2. Watch him be thrown into an active volcano by King
Kong.
3. Make him cry.
4. Punch him.
5. Feed him truth serum that requires him to word vomit
the whole truth and nothing but the truth to every person
he encounters.
6. Find out he lived a sad, lonely life and died chock-full of
regret.
7. Hug him.
8. Kiss him.
2. Watch him be thrown into an active volcano by King
Kong.
3. Make him cry.
4. Punch him.
5. Feed him truth serum that requires him to word vomit
the whole truth and nothing but the truth to every person
he encounters.
6. Find out he lived a sad, lonely life and died chock-full of
regret.
7. Hug him.
8. Kiss him.
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